apparently, it's all in my mind

there is this moment i remember that seems so real i can feel the certainty in my bones, under the skin, just beyond my fingertips, the shadow of some flavor on the tongue.

i'm rushing down one of the wider streets of myeongdong early in the morning. the wind whips the grey knitted skirt against my calves. i'm wearing my bright red sweater, the color of fire and summer. i can feel the cold start to creep into my toes. the air is sharp and crisp. it bites at my cheeks, makes my eyes water. it looks like i am crying but i'm not. behind me are business hotels in primary colors, with names like ibis or ibex. around and above me are tall buildings, miles of retail space crammed with what koreans call fashion. pastel colored scraps of clothing worn in layers that make otherwise pretty girls appear like candy-colored mummies. there is migliore. and lotte young. and kosney. sunlight hits glass at an angle so i can't see what's in the shop windows. somewhere in the midst of this steel and glass and pavement is the oldest church in korea, the cathedral. it is early autumn and leaves haven't turned yet. i run as if there's someone after me, chasing after my heart. but i'm just rushing to a subway station to catch the train home.

the strangest thing about this moment is that it didn't happen. but i think it captures the panic and grief i used to feel almost every day when i was thousands of kilometers away from people i loved most. although i learned to love other people there, i have to say it was never enough, never the same. even if i tried.

...

on a separate note... been reading diane ackerman's Alchemy of Mind in between bouts of work. had tried to read ackerman's Rarest of the Rare but failed to sustain a feigned interest in monk seals, monarch butterflies and other endangered species. my indifference to wildlife can also be seen in my TV-watching habits--i just cannot stand those nature documentaries on national geographic. but i do like stuff involving excavation, bones and crumbling artifacts.