a week later

what surprises me now is that i didn't do as much crying as i thought i would. and that i broke a lot of my old patterns, doing none of the wacko destructive stuff i used to do when that sort of thing happens to me. prayed harder than i had ever prayed, this being more painful than all my breakups combined. which is strange, because it wasn't a breakup. there was nothing to break up. at all. anyway.

i also found myself singing all these songs in my head. a most surprising soundtrack, with some song lyrics having more fidelity than others. some lyrics no fidelity at all, the songs just sounded right. i like that word. fidelity. in translation studies, it has to do with accuracy (a dry, bloodless word) but i like to relate it to closeness. there's also the idea of truth somewhere in there. or maybe "true-ness" sounds better. anyway, none of this really matters much.

still hurts though. still love him. very very much. and i know this is different from the way i had loved all those other guys because this time it isn't wacko-obsessive. and it was never about wanting any reciprocation. i can honestly say that for the first time it wasn't about me and what the guy could give me or how he made me feel. with this, i think i'm starting to understand a tiny little bit of what richelle meant when she says real love is selfless. maybe one day i'll get to know what that's like.

it's his birthday next week. same day as allan's book launch. i'm so tired. i want this to get fixed but i don't know how. i already said everything that night. i'm just afraid that if i see him, i might start bawling again. don't want that to happen. at all.